(Cord Magazine's questions are in blue. Artist responses are in grey.)

What do you do in your free time?

J: Relax as much as possible.

T: Walking the fields. I go to Ireland quite a lot, personally, and it’s just kind of nice to get away. Away from everybody, just total isolation.

C: You’re Irish? But you don’t sound it!

T: Well, I grew up in England (laughing)

C: Oh, I see! What is your vice of choice?

J: God, that’s a bit of a strong question.

T: Vice of choice? (long pause) Sex. Simple as that. Got to be honest with you, huge sexual appetite. And, John, you?

J: (laughing) I can’t believe that you put that!

T: Well, I got to honest, that’s what I love!

J: Well, I mean what can I say to that? It’ll just pale in comparison. I like to watch (laughter)…football (more laughter) I like to watch football.

C: I don’t know if I can go on from that. Nothing is going to top that answer.

J: Don’t let him embarrass you! He’s doing it deliberately!

C: What is your favorite city to play in? I mean, play an instrument in?

T: Don’t know which one to be honest with you.

J: To be honest with you an audience is pretty universal, a city is just the designated area, but any where when you get a bit of time and aren’t too busy. You know, take a look around, and do some shopping check out a few clubs, something like that.

T: Today’s been good; we’ve all been out doing a bit of shopping. You can get to other cities and you just don’t get to enjoy it.

C: Do you like it (Vancouver)?

At this point we are interrupted by a slip of paper under the room divider with what appears to have a penis drawn on it from their tour manager.

HYSTERICAL laughter by all.

T: SORRY, sorry, Amy! Right bunch of fucking heathens we are…(more laughter).

C: So… on that note, what issues or aspects of the world concern you the most?

J: Voted apathy.

C: How do you mean?

J: Well, people in the Western democracy. People who don’t vote because they just think no one will do anything for them. And I’ll tell you why they never vote, it’s because no one ever gives any decent manifestos, so when you go to vote you never really know what their issues are or what they’re going to do. They bull shit you and it creates voter apathy because you just think “oh god, I’m not voting for anyone cause they’re just as bad as the last ones”. Politics, it’s a two prong problem. That and cruelty to children. That’s what of the most painful things in the world – abuse of children. I’ve only been a father a few years, but now I’ve actually seem the beauty of what children bring into the world and that it’s absolutely beautiful. And for people to sort-of fuck that up is horrible. I don’t believe in capitol punishment, but if there’s one thing that could push me to the edge it would be the abuse of children.

T: Poverty. Poverty and human rights and that’d be it really. I need to say no more really. Those are issues I feel very strongly about.

C: What is one question you never want to here again?

J: When was the last time you…uh, I don’t know actually. I don’t mind being asked questions. I like being asked questions, no one asks me questions anymore. So, yeah ask me any question you like – I’ll answer it.

C: Hmm, I can’t imagine why…

J: (looking confused) why do you say that?

C: Oh I don’t know…mysterious slips of paper appearing?

(Laughter)

J: Tell you what; don’t even think about that anymore…

C: I’m just teasing…

J: It wasn’t even life sized actually! (more laughter)

T: Um, oh god, I can’t think of anything. People just ask the same questions over, and over, and over again.

J: Really, like “who are you?” and “ Security!”!

T: Yeah, “who are you?” and…

J: “Security!”

(Laughter)

What is your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?

J: I used to love watching Batman. My favorite cartoon I used to love was the cartoon version of Startrek. Do you remember that? That would have been in the late 70’s. Brilliant, with all the original characters; Kirk, Scotty and Spoc.

T: I don’t know actually. I can’t remember. I can’t remember getting up that early on a Saturday morning. The one I do like watching is that Spongbob Square Pants. Yeah, I like watching that.

What did you want to be when you were growing up?

T: A rock Star. Seriously.

C: Perfect!

J: I said to my mother and father “when I grow up I want to be drummer” and they said “well you better make your mind up because you can’t do both”!

C: I’m not following…

J: Grow up AND be a drummer…

C: OH! I see (laughter). If you could trade places with anyone for a day, who would it be and why?

J: It would have to be Donald Trump, because I’d have to get his fuckin’ hair sorted out!

T: Would they have to be living?

C: No, no anyone.

J: Oh, you didn’t say that! (laughter) T: Henry the Eighth. Just to see what was going through his fucking head when he couldn’t get a divorce and changed everything.

C: Bear Vs. Shark?

T: Bear! OK, here we go! (laughter) go on…

J: The bear! EASY!

Another piece of paper appears from under the room divider, this time with a bear paw drawn on and “Grrr” written on it.

(more hysterical laughter)

J: A bear would win because it’s the only mammal, right, that can survive in the water and on land. A bear can swim as fast as shark and a shark can only do one (obviously) so a bear is land or sea…

C: And you agree?

T: Yeah, he’s the bear expert.

J: I know about bears. Come talk to me.

C: And if you could ask me a question, what would it be?

T: What’s one question that you’ve never been asked by a band?

C: Oh, loads, loads, everything…um “what time is it?” that’s one.

J: I’ve got a question for you. Are you going to write this in today? Or are going to do it later on?

C: I’m not going to do it today. I’m lazy, kind of, you know, I’ll do it tomorrow, or the next day…

Elsewhere

By Amy Hanson
Photos : Charlatans website
Published : June, 2006.