(Cord Magazine's questions are in blue. Artist responses are in grey.)

ANDY - CORD : All right we have a miniature thing that’s something we ask every band. What do you guys do when you're on your downtime between recording touring etc.

KEITH MURRAY (guitar/vocals) : When there’s space we Slip N Slide. It depends on how long we have. If we only have like a minute, we’ll Slip N Slide. We’ll get a Slip N Slide run in.

CHRIS CAIN (bass/vocals) : Yeah we’ll get a Slip N Slide run in. Use it to blow off some steam. If we’ve got like ten minutes or something we’ll like get the keys and fly around town in the van you know up on the sidewalk, knockin’ over mailboxes and kinda roll it. Look at this, watch this, and we only have ten seconds to rrrrrrroll that fucker right through the intersection!

MICHAEL TAPPER (drums) : For a big finale.

C : Yeah we love a huge finale. Which is why we usually put the Slip N Slide right on the edge of something. Right up against god knows what.

A : Oh man, right on. What is your vice of choice?

C : Vice of choooiiiice…. Hm it’s… my personal vice which I realized was pretty milquetoast to be honest, and I sound like a Midwestern housewife or something where I would actually get some sort of illicit thrill from this, but I like to break into hotel rooms and smear black beans on the sheets. While people are sleeping. And then I and then I wake… and then I go outside and put on a room service outfit and I bust in the door and I say, “Guest service…whhoooooooaaaat the hell have you done?! GET OUT! GET OUT!” And they just… and they… I don’t know, I get a rush. I get a rush.

A : Is that everyone’s answer?

K : Mine is watching this… while naked.

C : And, you know, stimulating himself.

K : Yeah in the closet of the hotel…

C : Stimulating yourself… and you know...

K : And others…

C : And some other friends. Um not humans but I don’t think you need to be… haha.

K : My little pet my little pet.

A : What is your favourite venue or city to play in?

(mumbling and musing)

C : Well… White House…

K : The White House.

C : The White House wasn’t bad.

M : Yogen Fruz.. (a frozen yogurt place which we’re sitting outside of during the interview)

C : Ah the Fruz. They give you free Fruz. Which is why I think you sort of remember that as a great show but it actually wasn’t that good.

K : These are all good.

C : Both of those are quite equal, you’ve got Yogen Fruz and the White House.

A : The White House has got to get a Yogen Fruz I think.

C : They have one, that’s where we played at the White House.

K : Yeah we played in the White House’s Yogen Fruz.

C : We did a Yogen Fruz’s tour last fall. we played all four Yogen Fruzes. The one here, the one in the Cremlin, the one in the White House and the one two blocks that way. I forget the street name.

K : Just outside the Vancouver Public Library.

A : What issues and aspects of the world most concern you these days?

M : What issues of the world?

C : I want people to stop snitching. We encounter that a lot. I hate snitches. And I want it to stop at a grassroots level. Tryin’ to get people to stop on the local level snitching.

K : Yeah but here’s the thing. If you led a life free of all the wrongdoings that marks your everyday… yeah.

C : That is my calling card.

K : Would you mind the snitching so much? Is it only because you’re snitched upon ...

C : Right right, is it, am I actually like ideologically opposed to it, or am I just being selfish? You know honestly I do feel like snitches tend to be generally unlikable people. A lot of the time. I won’t say that categorically.

K : Would you call Abraham Lincoln unlikable?

C : Well…

K : Classic sniiitch!

C : He is a classic snitch. He is a classic snitch. Um and yeah I think that that aspect of his personality, the aspect that was always sort of tattling on anyone and everyone, whenever he saw any kind of wrongdoing, uh I didn’t…

K : He was quite well-liked at his fraternity.

C : He was respected and obeyed at his fraternity. Where he wiggled one of those sticks with nails put through the top. Yeah I guess he just waved it around a lot. Then he would snitch on you.

K : He would call people out and then get ‘em with the nail paddle.

C : Nail paddle.

A : What’s one interview question you could care less to hear again?

C : Hmm I dunno, that’s tough. They’re all really good.

M : The only dumb question is the one you don’t ask, right?

A : What was your favourite Saturday morning cartoon?

K : I did like Kissyfur.

C : Kissyfur was good.

A : Besides musicians, what did you want to be when you were growing up?

K : Kissyfur.

C : I wanted to be in Kissyfur.

K : I wanted to direct an episode of Kissyfur. To work with Kissyfur Lawrence.

C : Get behind the lens. And really bend the plot to my needs.

M : Where did you want Kissyfur to go?

C : Tunisia.

K : Yeah you’re right. And ultimately he did. Not on the show.

C : Too late.

K : Not on the show though.

C : Very much too late. What a shame. He went as an outcast looking for a hermetic existence, which he found in the jaws of a Tunisian croc. He's a land croc. They, oh they're voracious.

A : If you could trade places with anyone for a day, who would it be, and what would you hope to accomplish?

C : I would trade places with George Bush and I would do just one thing. I would go on TV and on the radio, I would call for national broadcast, and I would command that everyone bring their dogs and cats to the White House in the next 24 hours. Spare no expense, and I would command that all the airlines allow all the pets onto their planes.

K : Now would you want the cats and dogs to arrive within the 24 hours that you were still George Bush? or would you want him to regain his own personage...

C : As soon as I was...

K : ...and there would be tons of cats and dogs at the White House...

C : As soon as I was done with this, I would give back my moment. I would just want people to bring all their pets.. lizards as well...

K : Snakes, gerbils, hamsters...

C : No birds...

K : No birds.

C : Birds should be set free immediately.

K : Set free into the piping and whirring blades in your house.

C : Anything, you know, a ceiling fan will do. But a chipper-shredder's ideal.

A : Oh how cruel. All right, there's a shark, and a bear. [startled looks around]. Look out they're right behind you. They're gonna get into a fight. Grizzly bear and a great white. Shark is in a little pool that he can barely fit in, you know, just big enough for him to swim around a little bit. The shark's on a rock just big enough for him to fit...

C : You mean the bear is on the rock?

A : ...did I say shark?

K : Yeah let's make this fair.

A : Oops. I mean the bear is on a rock. In the middle of the pool. Neither's been fed for a few days, neither's been trained. They fight to the death, who wins?

C : Does the bear have a gun?

A : No.

C : Does the shark?

A : No.

C : Does the bear possess fishing line? And if so, of what gauge?

A : I don’t believe he does but he may be able to make some out of his fur. I don’t know what gauge his fur is though.

K : Now you're giving the bear too much credit.

C : Is the shark some kind of military sea vehicle called 'the shark'? With guns 'n shit? Missiles? Anything?

A : Nope it's a great white shark. Plain old shark.

M : Is either of them named Charles?

K : I think that has no bearing on the answer, he's just...

C : He thinks he recognizes one of them...

M : Well if it's the one I know, I can give you the right answer. I mean it is, it's intimately tied to the right answer.

A : They're both named Charles.

C : Ooh.

C : If you say they're both Charles, are they wearing name tags, and if so are they the kind that have long pins on the back? Or needles?

A : No, they’re those sticker ones that say 'hi my name is.'

K : Oh. does the shark have any honey?

C : As a lure. It can lure the bear into the water.

M : He can put some on his teeth and then as he's sitting there with his mouth open... hahah.

A : Maybe. Maybe someone brought them honey. Maybe the spectators. If you're standing around you could throw him some honey.

K : Does the bear have access to electrical current? That he can put in the water.

A : No he's just on a bare rock in the middle of the water.

C : So there's no like power lines. How many questions do we have left?

A : There's only one more after this.

C : No I mean to get to the...

A : Oh yeah I see.

C : The bottom of the mystery! To find out who kills who. Um does the shark possess a map or an innate knowledge for whatever reason of the topography of the rock the bear is on?

A : I believe so because [the bear] can barely fit on it. So I think he knows all of it.

C : Okay. so he can see it, it's just visible to him.

M : I think it's the shark.

C : How's he gonna do it though? You have to be able to tell how he does it.

M : Take his tail or something, knocks the bear into the water...

K : And the bear panics and drowns. Genius. Sheer genius.

C : Yeah the shark keeps like rushing by him to keep him from getting back on the rock. And eventually, I mean, bears are great swimmers, it's true. Yeah eventually, I mean how long can he stay out there?

K : Well I just figured as soon as the bear fell in the water he would realize he's in shark territory and he would just panic. I don’t know if he'd actually get wet, it's the hard water. Right. And then the shark gets to get up on the rock. That's all he wanted. To not have to be in the water all the time.

A : That's a lovely story I think.

C : You know what. I think I know how the bear can win. It's a pretty small area of water right? Just big enough for him to swim around in. All the shark has to do, sharks have to keep moving in order to breathe. All the bear has to do is reach down with his big padded paw, and swirl the water, swirl it around the rock, so the water is moving the same direction the shark is. It creates a relatively still shark environment. So the water gets going so fast the shark cant move, it's just borne along in its current. He never even really has to get in range of the shark's bite. And the shark will drown. I don't know if the bear would come up with it to be honest. I don’t know if bears know that sharks have to move in order to breathe. They’re predators, it's instinct, they can sense natural weakness.

A : Okay so finally, if you could ask me one question, what would it be?

C : Have the shark or the bear's teeth been filed down?

A : No. Aside from natural wear and tear, if the bear's been chewing on a stick for a while.

C : That's all I wanted to know.

M : Would it wear a bear's teeth to chew on a stick?

C : They're made of white chocolate.

K : I didn't know that.

A : That changes the equation immensely I think.

C : Yeah. Well shark's teeth are made of sugar. Candy sugar.

Check out the We Are Scientists Interview.

Elsewhere

By Andy Scheffler
Photos : Andy Scheffler
Published : June, 2006.